I checked facebook today, having not posted anything on it in the past few weeks to avoid giving away that I have had internet access (although for the past 5 days I really didn't go on the internet). My relationship status no longer has his name after 'is in a relationship with'... and clicking on his page, his status is now listed as ‘single’.
It hit me suddenly that this really was the very end.
Well what did I expect? I shouldn’t be too surprised because over a week ago he already said that he didn’t think we should be together anymore, to which I didn’t respond and pretended I never saw it.
Just this morning I pictured in my mind that he decided to come to take me back with him, after all that I've done to him, after disappointing him, humiliating him, lied to him millions of times and breaking every promise I made, he's still willing to be together with me, he still loves me and he will never give up on me.
But I now know that it won't happen again, because it has happened far too many times before, and he won't be able to trust me anymore, he won’t be able to take it anymore. Even though he still loves me there is a point when you have to let go. And we’ve finally reached that point, he's finally given up on me. It’s stupid of me to think he’d come half way across the world to get me, and how dare I even hope that he would – when I wouldn’t even do the simplest thing for him, even when that thing was the only thing that would save us.
What a coward I am, what a hypocrite, a liar…. I am nothing compared to him, at least when it comes to loving a person. I know him, I trust him, because he never lies to me, because he tells me everything, because he does everything he says he would do… whereas I am the complete opposite, when I say ‘I love you’ I don’t even know if I mean it, when I promise something I think of excuses to get round it….. He knows exactly what he wants, and so he will do everything he can to achieve it, and when he gets it he does not give up easily – he wants to spend his life with me, so he does everything he can to make it happen, even if it means going against his parents and everything, as long as I want the same, he would try and make it happen and not give up even when it seems that I have… I really don’t deserve his love, or to be loved at all, I don’t have the right to say ‘I love you’.
I really have no excuse for what I’ve done (or what I haven’t done), he’s made it plain clear that this was the last chance, after which he would find it very hard to trust me again, but I still ignored it and for the millionth time, I broke my promise. For the next few days I still thought I’d do it, it would be a few days late but I would do it then tell him how it went, but with the internet not working and other things going on I gave myself more and more excuses until a week later he said not to bother and broke up with me on msn. I really have no more excuses because he’s answered every worry I had – all I needed to do was to stand my ground and tell them. He’s even said that even if they refused he’ll buy my ticket for me, so there was nothing, nothing I had to worry about.
The fact that I seem to have just disappeared off the surface of the earth must have made it even worse for him, he doesn’t know what happened (or didn’t happen) and why. I need to tell him, I need to explain properly, and I need to apologise… but I am scared, I am still not prepared to face him (although I don’t think I ever will be) I don’t know what to say… whatever I say it will seem like I’m finding excuses for myself. I don’t want him to hate me, so I will probably say things that will make me look better or something. I know he will ask me questions which I won’t know how to answer, and I will remain silent, and that will hurt him more. But I need to at least say I am sorry, because I have hurt him so much, so many times. I won’t expect him to forgive me, because it is the most unforgivable thing I have done.
It hurts that we have broken up for real this time, but I am not as upset as one might expect. I have felt like crying a few times but have held my tears back. To be honest I feel slightly relieved that we broke up, I wanted to have a fresh start, not because I grew tired of him, but because it’s been so much stress and uncertainty surrounding the same problem that we’ve had ever since we started going out. Of course we were so close to finally eliminating that problem….there was just one final step, but I didn’t take it.
He might be hurt and angry that I won’t ask him to take me back (I have never done in our past arguments, I always just gave up and accept the fact that we’ve broken up). The fact is I can’t, because I know very well that I am not worth it, he deserves someone better, and that if we were together again, we will just be going in circles- I still won’t be able to stand up for myself and I will keep breaking his heart- this is what I told myself in the past few times we had an argument, and I told myself not to go back to him…but when he tells me his plans of how to make it work etc I forget all my warnings and throw myself back into his arms. We really should have ended a long long time ago, because now the pain must be a lot more unbearable for him, and the wrong I have done a lot more unforgivable.
