forget/remember

Just realised, I've never put in any effort to forget.

In fact it's been quite the opposite, I've been trying to remember and cling on to as many memories as possible.

a selfish wish

Please don't delete me from your life...

Lyrics: Usher - Separated

Usher - Separated

If love was a bird
Then we wouldn't have wings
If love was a sky
We'd be blue
If love was a choir
You and I could never sing
Cause love isn't for me and you

If love was an Oscar
You and I could never win
Cause we can never act out our parts
If love is the Bible
Then we are lost in sin
Because its not in our hearts

*So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

If love was a fire
Then we have lost the spark
Love never felt so cold
If love was a light
Then we're lost in the dark
Left with no one to hold

If love was a sport
We're not on the same team
You and I are destined to lose
If love was an ocean
Then we are just a stream
Cause love isn't for me and you

Repeat *

Girl I know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
Girl you know I love you, I can't deny
I can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I
I know it hurts so much but it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road we lost the trust
So I'll walk away so you don't have to see me cry
It's killing me so, why don't you go

Repeat *


Suddenly wanted to listen to this song again. The lyrics are so incredibly sad, 2 people love each other but something important is lost (the spark, the trust...) and they would just continue to hurt each other if they were to stay together. So even if it hurts to break it off, it's the best thing to do. Or maybe, sometimes in a relationship you have been together so long, you don't love each other anymore but some other feelings have taken over, but they feel secured and safe in this seemingly ok relationship they don't want to change, but at the same time it is hurting them both...

Let me go

Please just let me go! This has become a useless but endless battle, and one that I don't even believe in myself. Should I go along with it? Should I sink down to their level? I can't even convince myself that this is right, how the hell am I supposed to convince others? The only way to do this is to step out from myself, pretend I am only a bystander, that whatever it is I am told to do does not affect me (the bystander), let her (me in real life) do it. It's not really me doing it. I need to act, pretend I'm a different person, a person who actually believes in all this bullshit.

The other day I told myself that this is nearly over, I didn't care about the result anymore, I'm fine with it, I accepted it, I wanted to move on and find realistic ways to deal with my future, stay in the business or not I will make my own way. I will have a bit of a rest (both physically and emotionally cos this whole thing has drained me) and then I will move on.

But it looks like it will drag on for longer, and the battle is getting more and more ugly and unbearable. The annoying thing is, I know for a fact (and for some reason they don't seem to know or just don't seem to accept it) that even if I keep clinging on, nothing is going to change. The situation remains the same whether I beg, nag, threaten or bribe them. Why can't they see that?

I long for this to be over, cos I'm fed up. I know I am to blame here, because I should just put my foot down and say 'no' to them. I should tell them what I think (in a persuasive way) rather than saying I will go along with it then complaining about it here (which is doing nobody any good).

I want to (literally) run away, to escape all this, to breathe, to live.

Way Back to You

I came up with a conclusion the other day, that no matter what, I have to succeed, I have to become successful. If there is no way that we could be together again, if I had chosen this path and gave up 'us' in the process, then if I didn't become successful in the end, it would be a massive waste, all the pain and suffering would have been meaningless, and I would have lost both in terms of 'love' and 'career'. On the other hand, if there is ever the slight chance we would be together again (though I think the chances are slim), we can't unless I become successful, because it would look like that I was only running back to him because all my plans didn't work out, it would seem like he was a back-up plan, second choice. I don't think I can convince him, or anyone who knows us, or myself even, that I want this bad enough unless I have actually acheived something here but gave it all up just to get back together with him.

Aerosmith - I don't wanna miss a thing (lyrics)

Aerosmith - I don't wanna miss a thing

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever

I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time


 
again, never really paid attention to the lyrics before and never really gave much thought to it. just heard Yuna Ito's cover of this song and fell in love with it and went back to the original and read the lyrics. ahh the lyrics are so sweet and romantic~

Quote of the Day #3

"You are the answer to every prayer I've offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper, and I don't know how I could have lived without you for as long as I have."


~Nicholas Sparks 'The Notebook'

Quote of the Day #2

I am no one special. Just a common man with common thoughts. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I've loved another with all my heart and soul and for me that has always been enough.


~Nicholas Sparks 'The Notebook'

I wanna know...

What are you doing now?
How is work going?
What songs are you listening to lately?
What films have you seen lately?

Have you been spending time with your friends? Have they helped cheer you up?
Or have u been staying at home most of the time?
How's the family? Have they been giving you a hard time or were they more supportive?
Have you met any girls you might like?
Are you still doing things that you like and enjoy?
Are you living your life? Are you moving on?

Do you miss me?
Do you still think about me?
Do you wonder how I am doing? If I have found anyone new? If I am happy?
Do you go on the internet to see what I've been up to?
Do you read through our emails / msn conversations / text messages?
Have you kept the presents I gave you? Or have you thrown them away?
Do you think of me when you listen to music we've listened to together / watch films we watched together / go to places we've been to together / do anything we used to do together etc? Or do you try to avoid them as much as possible?

Did you cry?
Do you hate me? Are you angry at me?
Have you fogiven / will you forgive me?
Do you still ask yourself 'why?'?
Do you think about what our lives would have been if we stayed togther?
Do you imagine us meeting again someday?
Have you ever thought of coming to take me back?
If I jumped on a plane and arrived at your door step now, would you take me back? Despite the whole world being against it?
Have you started re-planning your future? A future without me?
Are you happy? Are you sad?
Do you still love me? Will you always love me like you said you would?

Sonar Pocket - 涙 (Lyrics)

Sonar Pocket - 涙


*あの夜に君と2人涙流し離れ
別々の道へ
もう2人の時間戻らないけど
僕は願ってる　君の幸せを　ずっと

君は頬濡らしながら僕に話した
「あなたの前ではいつも自分を偽ってた
あなたが好きな私は本当の私じゃないの
もう自分に嘘つけない…ごめん…」
と言って泣き崩れた
君の泣き声が僕の涙を誘い
思い出の数だけ溢れてくる涙

Repeat *

 2人メモリー　手帳メモに
出来事エピソードなど書き込み
事ある度にカフェバルコニー
集まり2人頼んだミルクティー
未来　お互い夢の話
時には夢中で愛をも語り
愛の形　探す2人
がしかし散った恋の物語
「私見つけた運命の相手
私のことは全て忘れて」
あなたがついた最後の嘘
好きだから頷くことにしたよ

あの頃に君と　もっと素直に
向き合えてたら　今とは違う
2人の表情(かお)は笑顔のままで
幸せな時間(とき)を重ねていたんだね　きっと

そう　今でも部屋に飾ってある
君と撮った2人の写真の中の僕は
笑顔でまだ　君だけを見つめてる
「もしも時計の針を戻せるなら」
なんて君に云えないけれど

 Repeat *

君と出会えたことも
2人過ごした日々も
ありがとう僕は忘れないから
この先また2人会えるなら
その時はあの頃の笑顔を見せて

Repeat *

あの夜に君と2人涙流し離れ
別々の道へ
もし運命で結ばれてるなら
いつか必ず　もう一度逢える　きっと


Found this lyrics when I was actually looking for lyrics to a different song and felt really touched by it. It almost fits my situation.

「もう2人の時間戻らないけど　僕は願ってる　君の幸せを　ずっと」

I sometimes have to really tell myself, it's over, we can't go back to the time we were together, there was just no way (even though I'd like to imagine there was)...  but my wish is that he will have happiness, I guess I will be able to forgive myself and probably move on when he has finally found his true love.

「あなたの前ではいつも自分を偽ってた　あなたが好きな私は本当の私じゃないの…」

This is what has been troubling me for a long time: was I pretending all along? Was I just pretending, lying to myself that I was in love? Was it real? If I die tomorrow, would I be able to say, 'it's ok, I've loved with all my heart once, and that's enough'...? The person you love is not the real me, the real me....I don't really know who that is.... but I know you didn't fall in love with a coward, and a lifeless, heartless one.

「あの頃に君と　もっと素直に　向き合えてたら　今とは違う…　幸せな時間を重ねていたんだね　きっと」

Yes...if I had been more honest, things would have been very different... actually would it? If I had been more honest, I would have told him that my feelings were uncertain, which probably means we would have broken up a long time ago... I don't know, this is making this a whole lot more confusing. But anyway, I have always believed that a relationship is built on trust, without honesty/trust you can't really continue...

「君と出会えたことも　2人過ごした日々も　ありがとう　僕は忘れないから」

No matter, I want to thank you for the days we were together. I don't regret us meeting, it's one of the best things that has happened to me, that bitter-sweet feeling of first love is ours forever, whatever happens in the future would not make me feel the same way.  We had learned from each other, grown up together...(or does that sound strange?) shared happy and sad moments together. I am really thankful for your love, you have made me feel like I was the only one, I was loved, needed, I was given strength, courage, faith... and I will never forget...

I still imagine we'd meet again, we will be different then, not bound so much by our families, more grown up, more mature, maybe I will be able to be honest and brave then, maybe you will forgive me,

Maybe...

「もし運命で結ばれてるなら　いつか必ず　もう一度逢える　きっと」

random rant

i wonder if there will ever be a day when i will finally make the right decision...

Quote of the Day #1

If you want something very badly, set it free.
If it comes back to you, it's yours forever.
If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with.

~quote taken from 'Proposal'

Playlist: Sakura

Sakura

1. Ikimono Gakari – Sakura
2. AKB48 – Sakura no Hanabiratachi
3. Spitz – Cherry
4. Yuzu – Sakurae
5. Eriko Imai - 夢桜
6. Mika Nakashima – 櫻色舞
7. Angela Aki – Sakura Iro
8. Moriyama Naotarou - 桜
9. Kobukuro – Sakura
10. YUI - CHE.R.RY
11. MONKEY MAJIK – SAKURA
12. Utada Hikaru – Sakura Drops
13. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR - Sandome no Sakura
14. Kitano Kii – Sakura Saku
15. Morning Musume - Sakura Mankai
16. 堀江由衣 - 桜
17. レミオロメン – Sakura
18. Funky Monkey Babys -桜
19. Ketsumeishi – Sakura
20. JUJU – Sakura Ame
21. Greeeen / ET-KING / FUNKY MONKEY BABYS - 桜咲く頃
22. Arashi – Sakura Sake
23. C-ute - Sakura Chirari
24. AKB48 – Sakura no Shiori

It's a little late, but hope I haven't missed the entire Sakura season. Didn't realise there were that many, I just wanted to find as many Sakura songs I could, maybe I should have separated it into 2 'albums' cos it was quite confusing to do the order.

For You~ the letter that was never sent

I am scared of talking to you. I don't know what to say, how to explain why I did this, because there's nothing that can explain this. I was this close to spending the rest of my life with you, just that little left before I start that life we talked about, all it took was a little courage.

But even after so long, after going through so much, I still hesitated, I was still uncertain. I was brave one minute whn you've encouraged me and made me believe in it, but I'd lose that bravery and certainty in the next.

I guess if you really need a reason, it's because i never really believed in this whole thing, I never really wanted it, but I wanted to believe it, I wanted to want it. I wantd it because you wanted it.

I'm not that girl you fell in love with, that brave independent girl who knows what she wants in her life and has the courage to fight for it, she probably never existed. I'm just a lost girl with no particular goal and no drive or enthusiasm to make anything happen. I don't have a clue what I want in life, I thought I did, I thought I wanted all those things you wanted, with you.

The truth is i don't think I love you, at least not enough...

We've been together for so long I must have had some feelings for you. But truth is I'm not head over heels in love. You are right, I'm okay with breaking your heart than to hurt my family(actually it probably doesn't even hurt them). Thats my priority at this point in time. I am sorry for hurting you, so many times, and for breaking promises, lying, for being weak, for making you feel worthless, for not having the guts to even email you back to say I was sorry. You should know though, You are NOT worthless, you loved me with all your heart and I felt it.

You askd me lots of times why I loved you and I could never really answer, strangely enough I could now- you are a family person, you care about them and you love them, you are a great friend, you know what you want for yourself and you are not afraid to reach for it, like you know you want to spend your life with me and you did everything you can to make it happen, you made me feel special, like I was the only one, you never lied to me so I always knew I could trust you. You deserve to be with someone who loves you back the same amount, who would do anything for you like you would for her.

加藤ミリヤ - 20-CRY- (Lyrics)

加藤ミリヤ - 20-CRY-
作詩：Miliyah  作曲：Miliyah


人混みの中ひとりきり「寂しい」と呟く
誰も気付かない　誰も気にしない　誰もいない
私はひとり　いつもひとり　ずっとひとりで
歩いて行くのかな　とても苦しいのに


どうして私はここにいるの　baby
どうして私は生きているの…ツライ


※ねぇ　誰か助けて
ねぇ　どうしたらいいの
もうわからないよ私が生まれたその意味を
ねぇ　私に気付いて
ねぇ　この世界で一人だけでいい
ただあなただけ


期待はずれの人生　理想とはほど遠い
私の行く道　その行方未知　ひとり歩けない
大人になったの　怖くなるの　泣きたくもなるよ
すべてわかってるの　だからこんなにも虚しいのだけど


会いたい人にはきっと会えない　ひとつになれない
この思いもあなたに届かない　ああ


Repeat ※


この悲しいMy life
何求め　何期待したらいいの
私はここだよ
ひとり　CRY
なぜ悲しみがあるの
なぜ喜びを求めるの
なぜ不安になるの
ねぇなぜ生きてるの


人は一人きりでは生きてはいけないんだ
だから私をお願いだからひとりにしないで
ねぇどうか私を必要としてよ　私を愛してよ
この涙が乾くころにはきっと朝がまたくるから
私は生きてるよ
生きてるよ…


I never paid attention to this song. The melody was pretty, the MV was pretty, but nothing really stood out so I never watched/listened properly. But then by chance I watched the MV with subtitles of the translation and it really moved me. It was so powerful and overflowing with emotion, of pain, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness. Her vocals were great and bought out the meaning to the extent that almost broke my heart. When she sang "私はここだよ ひとり CRY" it was so powerful yet delicate that it brought shivers down my back. Miliyah has once again proved it impossible for me (or anyone) not to love her.

 誰も気付かない　誰も気にしない　誰もいない

From these lyrics I can picture it in my mind, she is standing in the middle of a busy street, the rain is pouring down, there are lots of people but they are just shadows passing by, no one notices her even though she is screaming at the top of her lungs, 私はここだよ!! This kind of loneliness and helplessness, I am sure
a lot of people can relate to, at least to me anyway.

期待はずれの人生　理想とはほど遠い

The name of the song is 20-CRY- so I assume it is Miliyah's take on what it feels like being 20 years old. 20 is a delicate age, you are legally an adult, but you don't feel like one, you are not a child anymore yet you are not an adult. You expected a lot more when you were younger but when you get there the reality is far from what you expected. You are not prepared and you are scared, of the expectations from others, the responsibilities placed upon you, the uncertainties of the future. You feel helpless and you start to question the meaning of your existence.  But you have to keep walking (because society requires you to) but you can't see what's ahead or if there is anything ahead for you. Disappointment, fear, helplessness, pain.

もうわからないよ私が生まれたその意味を


Despite all that, it is still okay if you have found love. But if you haven't, then you really would doubt why you are here in this world. This song speaks out for those who have never loved, or have loved but never been loved back, for those who are still searching for the one.

この世界で一人だけでいい  ただあなただけ


It's really not that much to ask, I just want one person, ONE. Just one person to notice me, to care about me, to hold me, to love me. Just one person, just YOU (whom I might not have met yet, who is destined to be the one and only for me). Does that person even exist? 

 ねぇどうか私を必要としてよ　私を愛してよ

Yes, people cannot live alone. Life is empty without love because the heart is empty. From her vocals and words, I can really feel her pleading for love, the need to be needed, for someone to stop in that busy street and look at her, wipe away her tears, make her feel alive...

私は生きてるよ

Playlist: 卒業 / Sotsugyou / Graduation

卒業 / Sotsugyou / Graduation

1. Angela Aki - Tegami ~Haikei Jyugo no Kimi he~Sotsugyou
2. Remioromen - 3月9日
3. SPEED – My Graduation
4. 長渕剛 - 卒業
5. 尾崎豊　- 卒業
6. Ikimonogakari - Sotsugyou Shashin
7. GLAY - 卒業まで、あと少し
8. Moriyama Naotarou - 桜
9. BRIGHT - Promise You ~Sotsugyou~
10. Nishino Kana – Best Friend
11. ZONE - 卒業
12. AKB48 – Sakura no Hanabiratachi
13. CHARCOAL FILTER - Sotsugyou ~ OKURUKOTO Version
14. SPEED – April
15. RAPPASIDENT - 卒業～また、逢える日まで～
16. 菅原紗由理 - 君がいるから
17. Morning Musume - Sotsugyou Rouko ~Morning Musume Tabitasu Hito ni Okuru Uta~
18. Kawashima Ai - 12个の季节～4度目の春～
19. FLOW - Okuru Kotoba
20. Aya Ueto - Okuru Kotoba
21. AKB48 – Sakura no Shiori

Finally had time to do this, I didn't want to miss it like I missed the Christmas playlist. A 'Sakura' themed playlist will (hopefully) follow shortly =), there are also a couple of lyrics I want to post too.

Dreams and Reality

When you are young, you talk about dreams, you talk about taking risks, the world is beneath your feet, and there are no boundaries as to where you will go, what you will do, nothing can stop you, 'impossible is nothing'. But as you get older, reality starts to shoot down those dreams, your arms and legs are tied up by strings (those things called security, responsibility, pride etc) preventing you from taking risks, you find that you are such a small creature in such a big world but at the same time you are trapped in an invisible bubble.

Reality is harsh. I'm not trying to blame the world for the things I have not been able to achieve (well, maybe I am), I am just trying to make sense of things as I am writing this, maybe it will give me some motivation to do something about my life.

When I was 17, I thought I could do anything. I had good grades and my CV already looked pretty good with all the extra-curricular activities I've done, so I could go to any top universities and land myself a good (and meaningful) job when I graduate. I would make my family proud. I would be interested in my job and be good at it. But truth was, I wasn't as good at my subjects as I hoped and soon I found myself struggling. It's a scarry thing, knowing that your ability is only that much (you are up in the sky but no matter how hard you try you can't get any higher), losing confidence in yourself when you see so many people better than you out there.

To cut a long story short, as I got older the doors began closing one by one (although they were my own doings). You are limited by your grades, your experience, your ability, things that you didn't think would stop you when you were younger. You think about things differently, instead of thinking what interests you, you think about whether it's easy, whether it has good pay, you care about what other people think. I guess I'm still not quite at that stage, I'm kind of stuck in the middle: wanting to do things I want, but also wanting to do things I should, but not brave enough or motivated enough to do either.

I also thought that getting older means independence, freedom, but for me it turned out to be the other way round. I thought that when I reached 18, I would be able to make my own decisions, do things that I believe in. But a couple of years later, it proved that I am still under my family's shadow. Everything I do, even the most important things in my life, have been influenced by them in various degrees. I know, I can't blame anyone but myself, I made the decision to give that independence/freedom away. And I chose not to do anything about it. I guess that's why when I see other people under the same situation, I don't want them to give up on what they believe in just because other people don't agree. My friend is dating someone her family doesn't approve- I want her to resist, don't give up, make it work, prove them wrong. Otherwise that regret, and that 'not knowing what could have happened' will haunt you. Like it is haunting me now.

Ayumi Hamasaki - You Were (Lyrics)

Ayumi Hamasaki - You Were


すれ違う戀人達が 肩を寄せ合い步いてく
冷たさが身に染みるのは 君が居ないから
季節さえ忘れる位 他に何もいらない位
そう夢中で輝いたのは 戀をしていたから


君が最後のひとだと思った
君と最後の戀をしたかった
こんな廣い夜空の下ひとり
一體何を想えばいいの


今誰の鄰で笑顏 見せているのかなだなんて
ねぇどれ程時が經ったら
苦しみは終わるのかな


いつか話してた夢の續きも
いつも言っていたあの口癖も
全て忘れられたら樂だね
だけどひとつも忘れたくない


靜寂に包まれた 瞬間に襲ってくる
優しくて溫かすぎる 想い出が


君が最後のひとだと思った
君と最後の戀をしたかった
こんな廣い夜空の下ひとり
一體何を想えばいいの


いつか話してた夢の續きも
いつも言っていたあの口癖も
全て忘れられたら樂だね
だけどひとつも忘れたくない


だけどひとつも 忘れたくない


 
I've been wanting to post the lyrics to this song for quite some time but never got round to it. I love this song, the melody and lyrics, and Ayu's slightly hoarse voice goes well with it (her voice makes her songs sad and adds a depth to the meaning). The lyrics may not be the most dramatic or whatever, but I can really relate to this song, it seems to put some of my feelings in to words.
 
「全て忘れられたら樂だね, だけどひとつも忘れたくない」
 
I think that's really true. At the end of a relationship, even though you know you should forget, you need to let go, it's easier said than done, and even if you could, you don't want to, you want to cling on to whatever memories you have left with that person for as long as possible, even if it means you are gonna drown in your miseries.
 
This song was released I think just before Christmas, so you kind of get this picture of her walking alone in the street surrounded by couples, even though it's so festive everywhere, and everywhere's full of happy couples, she is sad and alone. And now it's nearly Valentine's day, I think the song fits this atmosphere too, for me anyway since instead of celebrating like the past few years, I will be alone (although surrounded by people).
 
「君が最後のひとだと思った, 君と最後の戀をしたかった」
There were times when I thought he would be my last, we would be together always, sometimes I believed that. But there were times when I was unsure whether that was what I wanted, was it too early to commit? Have I seen enough of the world yet? I don't know... but I don't think I would be unhappy. Am I unhappy now? I don't know, I don't think I feel anything in particular, apart from.... I don't feel alive, I don't feel like there's anything in particular I want to do, or anything I want to work hard for, to fight for, to feel passionate about, or look forward to....
 
「こんな廣い夜空の下ひとり, 一體何を想えばいいの」

Dream

Ugh.... had a dream last night... not good.
I've pretty much forgotten most of it when I woke up, and I've been trying to remember it throughout the day but without much luck.

Not sure what was happening, I think I was at some sort of party, at a house (cos I remember there were stairs), an old western looking house, and for some reason there were girls from my old school there. and there he was, with his friends, just standing at the back of the room. I didn't want to be seen (but I think we both knew each other was there) so I hid in an empty room. I didn't want to be seen, I think is because I was scared, I didn't know how he would react, and I didn't want him to think I was having a good time (because of the guilt that I keep feeling, I don't think I should be happy).

I sat in the room by myself, reading a book which appears to be 'Alice in Wonderland' but I just couldn't take the words in, cos I kept reading the same bit over and over again. For some reason I had to go into the main room where the party was (actually it maybe because I needed to get the book), and when I pass him (knowing that he saw me and was probably looking at me the whole time), he started to fake a cough, he coughed for the whole time I was in the room, I was so uncomfortable I wanted to get the hell away from the place as soon as possible. I think he was doing it to let his friends know that I was there, or something, I don't have a clue, maybe it's just my dream being weird cos, well, that's obviously not what he would do in real life. Ugh it was awful, at least thats what I felt for half the afternoon after I woke up.