For You~ the letter that was never sent

I am scared of talking to you. I don't know what to say, how to explain why I did this, because there's nothing that can explain this. I was this close to spending the rest of my life with you, just that little left before I start that life we talked about, all it took was a little courage.

But even after so long, after going through so much, I still hesitated, I was still uncertain. I was brave one minute whn you've encouraged me and made me believe in it, but I'd lose that bravery and certainty in the next.

I guess if you really need a reason, it's because i never really believed in this whole thing, I never really wanted it, but I wanted to believe it, I wanted to want it. I wantd it because you wanted it.

I'm not that girl you fell in love with, that brave independent girl who knows what she wants in her life and has the courage to fight for it, she probably never existed. I'm just a lost girl with no particular goal and no drive or enthusiasm to make anything happen. I don't have a clue what I want in life, I thought I did, I thought I wanted all those things you wanted, with you.

The truth is i don't think I love you, at least not enough...

We've been together for so long I must have had some feelings for you. But truth is I'm not head over heels in love. You are right, I'm okay with breaking your heart than to hurt my family(actually it probably doesn't even hurt them). Thats my priority at this point in time. I am sorry for hurting you, so many times, and for breaking promises, lying, for being weak, for making you feel worthless, for not having the guts to even email you back to say I was sorry. You should know though, You are NOT worthless, you loved me with all your heart and I felt it.

You askd me lots of times why I loved you and I could never really answer, strangely enough I could now- you are a family person, you care about them and you love them, you are a great friend, you know what you want for yourself and you are not afraid to reach for it, like you know you want to spend your life with me and you did everything you can to make it happen, you made me feel special, like I was the only one, you never lied to me so I always knew I could trust you. You deserve to be with someone who loves you back the same amount, who would do anything for you like you would for her.