Let me go

Please just let me go! This has become a useless but endless battle, and one that I don't even believe in myself. Should I go along with it? Should I sink down to their level? I can't even convince myself that this is right, how the hell am I supposed to convince others? The only way to do this is to step out from myself, pretend I am only a bystander, that whatever it is I am told to do does not affect me (the bystander), let her (me in real life) do it. It's not really me doing it. I need to act, pretend I'm a different person, a person who actually believes in all this bullshit.

The other day I told myself that this is nearly over, I didn't care about the result anymore, I'm fine with it, I accepted it, I wanted to move on and find realistic ways to deal with my future, stay in the business or not I will make my own way. I will have a bit of a rest (both physically and emotionally cos this whole thing has drained me) and then I will move on.

But it looks like it will drag on for longer, and the battle is getting more and more ugly and unbearable. The annoying thing is, I know for a fact (and for some reason they don't seem to know or just don't seem to accept it) that even if I keep clinging on, nothing is going to change. The situation remains the same whether I beg, nag, threaten or bribe them. Why can't they see that?

I long for this to be over, cos I'm fed up. I know I am to blame here, because I should just put my foot down and say 'no' to them. I should tell them what I think (in a persuasive way) rather than saying I will go along with it then complaining about it here (which is doing nobody any good).

I want to (literally) run away, to escape all this, to breathe, to live.

Way Back to You

I came up with a conclusion the other day, that no matter what, I have to succeed, I have to become successful. If there is no way that we could be together again, if I had chosen this path and gave up 'us' in the process, then if I didn't become successful in the end, it would be a massive waste, all the pain and suffering would have been meaningless, and I would have lost both in terms of 'love' and 'career'. On the other hand, if there is ever the slight chance we would be together again (though I think the chances are slim), we can't unless I become successful, because it would look like that I was only running back to him because all my plans didn't work out, it would seem like he was a back-up plan, second choice. I don't think I can convince him, or anyone who knows us, or myself even, that I want this bad enough unless I have actually acheived something here but gave it all up just to get back together with him.