Let me go

Please just let me go! This has become a useless but endless battle, and one that I don't even believe in myself. Should I go along with it? Should I sink down to their level? I can't even convince myself that this is right, how the hell am I supposed to convince others? The only way to do this is to step out from myself, pretend I am only a bystander, that whatever it is I am told to do does not affect me (the bystander), let her (me in real life) do it. It's not really me doing it. I need to act, pretend I'm a different person, a person who actually believes in all this bullshit.

The other day I told myself that this is nearly over, I didn't care about the result anymore, I'm fine with it, I accepted it, I wanted to move on and find realistic ways to deal with my future, stay in the business or not I will make my own way. I will have a bit of a rest (both physically and emotionally cos this whole thing has drained me) and then I will move on.

But it looks like it will drag on for longer, and the battle is getting more and more ugly and unbearable. The annoying thing is, I know for a fact (and for some reason they don't seem to know or just don't seem to accept it) that even if I keep clinging on, nothing is going to change. The situation remains the same whether I beg, nag, threaten or bribe them. Why can't they see that?

I long for this to be over, cos I'm fed up. I know I am to blame here, because I should just put my foot down and say 'no' to them. I should tell them what I think (in a persuasive way) rather than saying I will go along with it then complaining about it here (which is doing nobody any good).

I want to (literally) run away, to escape all this, to breathe, to live.