Dreams and Reality

When you are young, you talk about dreams, you talk about taking risks, the world is beneath your feet, and there are no boundaries as to where you will go, what you will do, nothing can stop you, 'impossible is nothing'. But as you get older, reality starts to shoot down those dreams, your arms and legs are tied up by strings (those things called security, responsibility, pride etc) preventing you from taking risks, you find that you are such a small creature in such a big world but at the same time you are trapped in an invisible bubble.

Reality is harsh. I'm not trying to blame the world for the things I have not been able to achieve (well, maybe I am), I am just trying to make sense of things as I am writing this, maybe it will give me some motivation to do something about my life.

When I was 17, I thought I could do anything. I had good grades and my CV already looked pretty good with all the extra-curricular activities I've done, so I could go to any top universities and land myself a good (and meaningful) job when I graduate. I would make my family proud. I would be interested in my job and be good at it. But truth was, I wasn't as good at my subjects as I hoped and soon I found myself struggling. It's a scarry thing, knowing that your ability is only that much (you are up in the sky but no matter how hard you try you can't get any higher), losing confidence in yourself when you see so many people better than you out there.

To cut a long story short, as I got older the doors began closing one by one (although they were my own doings). You are limited by your grades, your experience, your ability, things that you didn't think would stop you when you were younger. You think about things differently, instead of thinking what interests you, you think about whether it's easy, whether it has good pay, you care about what other people think. I guess I'm still not quite at that stage, I'm kind of stuck in the middle: wanting to do things I want, but also wanting to do things I should, but not brave enough or motivated enough to do either.

I also thought that getting older means independence, freedom, but for me it turned out to be the other way round. I thought that when I reached 18, I would be able to make my own decisions, do things that I believe in. But a couple of years later, it proved that I am still under my family's shadow. Everything I do, even the most important things in my life, have been influenced by them in various degrees. I know, I can't blame anyone but myself, I made the decision to give that independence/freedom away. And I chose not to do anything about it. I guess that's why when I see other people under the same situation, I don't want them to give up on what they believe in just because other people don't agree. My friend is dating someone her family doesn't approve- I want her to resist, don't give up, make it work, prove them wrong. Otherwise that regret, and that 'not knowing what could have happened' will haunt you. Like it is haunting me now.

Ayumi Hamasaki - You Were (Lyrics)

Ayumi Hamasaki - You Were


すれ違う戀人達が 肩を寄せ合い步いてく
冷たさが身に染みるのは 君が居ないから
季節さえ忘れる位 他に何もいらない位
そう夢中で輝いたのは 戀をしていたから


君が最後のひとだと思った
君と最後の戀をしたかった
こんな廣い夜空の下ひとり
一體何を想えばいいの


今誰の鄰で笑顏 見せているのかなだなんて
ねぇどれ程時が經ったら
苦しみは終わるのかな


いつか話してた夢の續きも
いつも言っていたあの口癖も
全て忘れられたら樂だね
だけどひとつも忘れたくない


靜寂に包まれた 瞬間に襲ってくる
優しくて溫かすぎる 想い出が


君が最後のひとだと思った
君と最後の戀をしたかった
こんな廣い夜空の下ひとり
一體何を想えばいいの


いつか話してた夢の續きも
いつも言っていたあの口癖も
全て忘れられたら樂だね
だけどひとつも忘れたくない


だけどひとつも 忘れたくない


 
I've been wanting to post the lyrics to this song for quite some time but never got round to it. I love this song, the melody and lyrics, and Ayu's slightly hoarse voice goes well with it (her voice makes her songs sad and adds a depth to the meaning). The lyrics may not be the most dramatic or whatever, but I can really relate to this song, it seems to put some of my feelings in to words.
 
「全て忘れられたら樂だね, だけどひとつも忘れたくない」
 
I think that's really true. At the end of a relationship, even though you know you should forget, you need to let go, it's easier said than done, and even if you could, you don't want to, you want to cling on to whatever memories you have left with that person for as long as possible, even if it means you are gonna drown in your miseries.
 
This song was released I think just before Christmas, so you kind of get this picture of her walking alone in the street surrounded by couples, even though it's so festive everywhere, and everywhere's full of happy couples, she is sad and alone. And now it's nearly Valentine's day, I think the song fits this atmosphere too, for me anyway since instead of celebrating like the past few years, I will be alone (although surrounded by people).
 
「君が最後のひとだと思った, 君と最後の戀をしたかった」
There were times when I thought he would be my last, we would be together always, sometimes I believed that. But there were times when I was unsure whether that was what I wanted, was it too early to commit? Have I seen enough of the world yet? I don't know... but I don't think I would be unhappy. Am I unhappy now? I don't know, I don't think I feel anything in particular, apart from.... I don't feel alive, I don't feel like there's anything in particular I want to do, or anything I want to work hard for, to fight for, to feel passionate about, or look forward to....
 
「こんな廣い夜空の下ひとり, 一體何を想えばいいの」