Hard times

So many things I should be doing, so many things that need to be said.....

but here I am, waking up late in the afternoon everyday, watching TV, going on the internet, generally just not doing anything constructive... I think I am trying to delay facing the reality as long as possible, trying to enjoy the last moments of peace before the storm starts. At the moment I am trying to forget, avoid, pretend it's not there.

But I shouldn't. It is not right, not fair to those who care about me.

But I can't tell them the truth, not yet, because it hurts them... but I will have to eventually, and it will still hurt when I do, perhaps even more because of the fact that I didn't tell them till I have to.

On the other side, what do I tell him? I thought I made the decision when I promised him, but now I am starting to change my mind (again), perhaps I never really believed it myself when I said I was sure, I just wanted to get past that awkward moment and throw myself into his arms and hear him say 'it's alright, everything will be alright'. When I'm with him and when he tells me I can do all the things I want if it's what I want - I believe him, and for that brief moment I feel like I have the strength to stand up for myself. But after a while and especially now I am not with him, I loses that strength, and I feel guilt (to both him and them) - I return to my old timid and selfish self - don't want to hurt anybody, don't want to be the bad guy, and instead hurt everyone by hovering between the 2 sides, settling on one side every so often then changing my mind, and on top of that I don't let either of them know till the last minute (sometimes using lies to cover up).

About whether it's something I want - I don't really know. Does doing something you want so not to hurt you count as something I want? I think this is why it is so difficult to choose, if I was only thinking of myself I really don't mind either way (well I might slightly prefer 1 over the other if it wasn't for him) but there are too many things to think about...

You ask me all the time, 'is it something you want?', I tell you it is, but I don't know, I also don't want to hurt them, I also don't want to be a burden to them, I also don't want to be an irresponsible, incapable, spoilt, ungrateful person. It's something I want, but because it seems to be the only way we could stay together, because I don't want to hurt you, because don't want us to end, because I don't want you to hate me. Well it may not be the only way, but I don't want you to give up everything you have to come with me to somewhere you've never been before... I think that's asking too much, and I am scared you will hate it and hate me, and I am scared that I don't actually love you enough....

Oh god, do I actually love you? If I do why am I putting you through so much pain?

Whether I do or not, we should have ended then, I shouldn't have come back to you, because I knew it would happen, and I would hurt you again and again. But again, I have let my loneliness, or whatever it was, take over. When you told me we can make it work, I did all those things again - make a decision without thinking properly, make promises that I knew (or should have known) I wouldn't be able to keep. I don't think I was lying, during those times I really believe you and myself, when I make those promises I really tell myself I have to keep them, that I have made my decision etc. But in the end when I break these promises - it's irrelevant whether I was lying or not, I broke them.


I am sorry.