Dreams

Lately I've been seeing you in my dreams. I'm not sure what's the meaning behind it (maybe there isn't any) is it because I've been thinking of you? Missing you?

It's like a habit. Something I do everyday without really having to think about it. Like brushing my teeth, taking a shower, eating, sleeping, breathing. Although my memories of you are limited, often blurred, and sometimes I can't even separate which were real and which were made up, they crop up every so often. Actually, rather than memories, in the middle of the night just before I fall asleep, it's mostly thoughts of you that have crept into my head, analysing over and over the same questions and explanations, reliving the same mistakes- turning it around with my imagination.

No. In my recent dreams I didn't really see you. It's like it's not actually about you. You were there, we were together, but what I saw was your family, they did not act friendly towards me (understandably) and I was... afraid? I guess that's true in real life, sometimes when I think maybe there is a chance we could be together again I would think of how difficult that would be- because no one who loves you would trust me again and they would never want to see me hurt you again. But then again, isn't love all about conquering anything that gets in the way? I shouldn't be afraid of that. If my love was strong enough, eventually I will be able to prove myself to them. But the question is, as I have been asking myself constantly for the past few years, did I (and do I still) love you?

The dream I had was quite different. First I was kissed quite unexpectedly by someone who was my friend. Then I was confronted by another friend to make a decision whether to go out with him or not. I said I couldn't decide, because things with you had still not cleared up. Then when I was at another friend's room, I glanced through the doorway and saw you in the bed. I dug my head and left quickly to avoid you seeing me. I didn't know whether you did or not, but I was afraid. I was afraid that you were really with that girl. I was afraid that you would demand the explanation from me that I owe you and am still not ready to give after all this time.

I am afraid that you don't just want an apology, that you want me to ask if you will take me back, to convince you to trust me again, to really fight for us this time. When I finally talk to you again, you will ask- so where does this bring us, what now? And I would be silent, because I would not be able to give you what you really want. I am afraid of that silence, because I have hurt you so many times with it. I am afraid to get back together with you because I am not sure I am strong enough to see it through, and I don't want to have to lie and break promises to you anymore. But then again, if I loved you enough then I would want to be with you so much that these doubts would be irrelevant. Ah... and that goes back to the same question again.

Quite the opposite, I am also afraid that you don't want any of that at all, that after all that I've done to you and the amount of time that has passed, you don't want anything to do with me anymore. You might still be angry, you might just want to know why because you deserve to know, you might think yourself stupid for ever fallen in love with me, you might think I have wasted some of the best years of your life, you might think I have caused you to not believe in love again, but there is nothing left for me anymore, not in your mind, not in your heart, and not in your future.