So… I finally got round to doing
this. I am hoping to do this every year so that I can remember what happened
and also reflect on things. It’s only once a year, so it shouldn’t be too
difficult, right?
So this year has been a year of
adventure, or at least the first half of it has. I have met lots of people from
different countries and I have made an effort to make new friends and be
sociable. Actually perhaps it was the only time since I’ve been single that I
was (sometimes) happy to be single, because when I was in uni, I didn’t make
much effort in making friends and spending time with them. This year I was able
to, probably because I was living in a student accommodation and there were
many opportunities to just sit and chat with everyone. I have made some really
good friends who I think will really
be lifelong friends (which was supposed to happen in uni). They have also given
me different perspectives, and perhaps a renewed confidence (in making
friends?) It’s really comforting, isn’t it? To know that you have real friends
somewhere who wonders how you are doing, cares about and misses you and the
time you spent together. I’m not saying that my old school friends are not real
friends, but perhaps because of the kind of person I am or the way I have kept
(or not really have kept) in touch with them, I do not feel the same kind of
care from them; and as time goes on and our differences grow, we have less to
talk about and sometimes I feel like I have to be more careful with what I say (and
agree with them just for the sake of it). In contrast, with my ‘new’ friends I
feel like I can be myself more and confide in them. There were times when I
have been impatient and even thought ill of them, (!) something I seem to do
when I am close to someone. But I hope that in 2012, and the years to come, I
will be a better friend.
This year I have made more effort
in my studies. I seem to be the kind of person who only tries hard when I know I
am doing well (maybe I need to change that). Maybe having some study buddies
helped too. It was great to have them to talk to about the work, the exams, and
job applications, to be with friends who are going through the same things as
you. And I was so glad that my hard work paid off and I got good results that I
can be proud of and gave me a (renewed) confidence.
I have tried to make the most of
my time at this new place, as much as my lazy self could manage, because I did
not know whether I will return to this foreign land after I finished. I went to
nice restaurants and tried out different cuisines. I went to touristy places-
museums, concerts, I even went to a cemetery. I went shopping. I had afternoon
teas. I took walks in nice weather (though for shopping purposes) and enjoyed
the sunshine and blue skies and the company of just myself (not that it’s rare
or anything). I sat by my bedroom window and watched and listened to the rain. I
sat in the garden to read, sometimes a novel, sometimes (or mostly) for my
studies. I chat with friends or made new friends while having tea or hot
chocolate. I had serious conversations with my close friends about life and
death, past and future, hopes and dreams (and not so serious ones) in my
bedroom in my pyjamas. I sung karaoke in my bedroom using YouTube and a lamp as
a microphone (not by myself of course).
It was an adventure. For the
first time I went abroad on holiday with friends, 3 times! Even though some of
the places I had been to before but it’s different. It was especially
satisfying because I booked them without the help of my family and I also only
went for tickets / accommodation that were a bargain. First trip: I had to
learn to slow down and not try to cram everything into the trip, but despite
some difficulty with everybody getting along it was a great trip especially the
living together and cooking part. Second trip: part one was a little difficult
for me because for some reason I ran out of things to say to our host and again
I thought we could have done more things (I hate to say it was a little
disappointing at times but there were good times too); part two was fantastic,
there weren’t as much to see to start off with (touristy-wise) but it was the
most relaxing trip I ever had, even when we stayed in we’d still be enjoying
the company of each other. Third trip: being just the 2 of us and being quite
similar in personality, it was easy to agree on what to do, it was the most adventurous
trip of the 3, we made use of every minute to see everything we wanted and we
were always exhausted when we returned to the hotel. I also went on a trip with my
family before returning home, it was quite tiring to be with them especially
since I’ve been so used to the freedom of the past year, but it was good to see
all these different places. We had one more trip at the end of the year which
was a lot of fun, my only complaint would be I wish it wasn’t a packaged
holiday. One day I will go there without a tour guide and everything arranged
for me, one day…
So for the second part of 2011, I
returned home and it was almost as if the past year did not happen. It’s
beginning to feel so far away. I have been staying at home most of the time and
did job applications. I’m doing it as if it was a routine, I search the
internet and send off my applications, not really expecting any replies
whatsoever. When I occasionally did get some reply, I’m excited and nervous, I
tried my best to do well in the interviews but somehow I knew it wouldn’t get
me anywhere. I’m aware that all the good things I say about myself are really
all the things that I am not, and the hiccups I had in my studies are like a
massive boulder in my way, something that is stuck there forever and ever, and I
can’t seem to get round it. I really want to move forward. I want to start
earning. I want to learn. I want to be able to proudly say what I am doing for
a living.
I have to say I have not exactly
been hard working to get myself out of this situation. I spend what, a few
hours a day on applications (but I have weekends off, and days when I don’t
feel like working), and the rest are spent on the internet or watching TV or
reading or sleeping or doing nothing in particular. I am so easily distracted. I
have to work harder in 2012, I can’t waste another year. No one can help me but
myself.
I have finally started learning
Japanese for real. I am not going to let it sink in solely by watching dramas
and listening to songs. I started learning grammar on the internet and I even
bought some books. It’s proved to be a lot more difficult but I hope I can keep
it up. I want to be at least conversational in Japanese, enough so I could get
by if I was living there. I was excited at some point when I discovered that
there are degrees taught in English in Japan. Wouldn’t it be great? I can live
in Japan, learn Japanese there, be part of the world I’ve only been able to
dream of, and get an education! Perhaps
I’ll even find myself a job and settle there. But then again, I am already
short on time, I should be working, do I have time to do another degree? Are the degrees even suitable for me, will they
help me get a job (or will I be even more stuck than ever)? Not to mention the
tuition and living costs. If it was just a one year course it might not be so
bad, but one year is definitely not enough for me to learn the language and enjoy
my time there. But 4 years? It would be a dream come true, I don’t think I have
ever wanted something as bad but… ohh I don’t know. If I can’t do this in 2012,
I hope someday I could, maybe not to study but to work there…
Towards the end of 2011, I lost a
grandparent. It was not my first time but before I was either too young to
remember or I was not as close. It’s strange because I kind of expected it to
happen but at the same time I didn’t, does that make sense? Because, being in
the hospital, it has happened before and had pulled through. But then again
this was the most serious yet. When I was told to pray, I partly prayed for
recovery and partly prayed that if it was time to go, that it would be
painless. My family did Buddhist prayers and I said the Lord’s Prayer, just in
case (because I hadn’t made up my mind which religion, if any, I believed in). I
was quite troubled that my tears wouldn’t come, I seem to only be able to cry
when others are crying, and the tears only came in a small amount. I recovered
pretty fast and life seemed to return to normal with few differences. Perhaps
because we weren’t as close. Now looking back, I see I had taken the time we
were together for granted. We didn’t talk much, I resented some of your ways
and words. I don’t have many memories of you. I wasn’t a good grandchild. You
are not here anymore, it seems so normal as I go about my everyday life to just
assume that you are still here and we will be going out for a meal in the
weekend. I hope that you will be happy and free of pain in heaven or whatever
it is, or that you will reincarnate into a new life.
On my love life, well it has been
empty this year too. It’s scary to think I might be too late to find someone
now. Ahh I seem to be running out of time in everything I do. I have still not
sorted out my mess with him. Last year (not in 2011 but I’m gonna count that as
2011 anyway) he contacted me out of the blue. Again I let that opportunity slip
past. But what he said was so ridiculously strange (not that it was a reason
for my remaining silent). I could have explained everything then and that would
hopefully, finally, be the end of it, or it wouldn’t and would lead to
something more- I’m not sure which I preferred which is probably why I was
still not able to talk to him. A part of me wants him to have moved on and be
happy again, but a part of me also wants him to still care for me and love me. Ahh
I am so selfish, and such a coward. Will I be able to solve this in 2012, or
will it take more years?
So, a few resolutions for the new
year, in no particular order:
1)
be more healthy – sleep and rise early, drink more water, eat more veg,
do exercises, drink only moderately (it’s not worth it getting drunk just for
the sake of it)
2)
keep up with learning Japanese
3)
keep up with writing my blog / diary, remember things worth remembering
4)
keep in touch with good friends
5)
stop procrastinating!!
6)
Do more worthwhile things, less TV, less internet, less doing nothing
7)
Think more about my family
8)
Have more patience and hold my temper
9)
Find a job
10)
Find true love?
Don’t know how many of these I’ll
actually keep, but will see in 12 months time!
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